This AI decorating tool turned my daughter into a giant butt plug

Introducing Venus Williams' new endeavor: Palazzo.ai.

I have no explanation for this, but when “AI” became a buzzword over the past year, I immediately thought, instead of Artificial Intelligence: Asshole Indicator. Of course this is probably a subconscious association linked to my anxiety about AI replacing the humans who create media, thereby killing our industry and forcing us to become…I don’t even know what.

I have been very interested in how AI can apply to interiors, and equally afraid for all of my favorite designers who create gorgeous rooms for rich people (which in turn allows me to contribute to the economy of the California State Lottery). Still, if there was a program that would tell me how to get a Reath living room copycat on the cheap…I can’t say I wouldn’t do it.

Today, I learned that Venus Williams has launched a new startup: Palazzo.ai, a program that allows you to virtually redecorate your home through the help of an AI assistant. Huh! Apparently, Venus has a long history with design — she began V Starr, her design studio, all the way back in 2002.

Similar to a lot of these design tools, Palazzo.ai starts with a quiz. And like every previous design quiz I’ve taken, none of the imagery felt accurate to describe my dream room and the questions were your basic Scandinavian/Traditional/Boho prompts etc. After inputting everything, I was informed that my “Aesthetic DNA Style” was Vibrant Textural Oasis. I mean. Okay.

Next you upload a picture of your space. I could not be bothered to get up and make the walk to my living room thanks to a bout of nausea caused by mistakenly taking three birth control pills this morning, due to my thinking it was Thursday when instead it is Tuesday.

The best image I could find of our living room on my phone was this, featuring my daughter in an apathetic, quasi-meltdown:

Probably not ideal to have a person in the photo but I figured Palazzo would still generally work. I uploaded it and got started with my virtual assistant, Vinci, (heavy-handed on the obvious there) who prompted me to say what style I had in mind.

Moody Traditional. Sounds fine. Vinci said this: “The goal is to create a traditional living room with a moody and intimate atmosphere, featuring dark wood furniture, a rich color palette, ornate details, heavy drapery, and subdued lighting. Modern elements, bright colors, high gloss finishes, and minimalist designs are to be avoided to maintain the desired aesthetic.”

Let’s go. After about 20 seconds, I was presented with this:

My living room is now the backdrop for Anne Boleyn’s agony as she learns of her conviction of treason.

I asked to start over and selected Eclectic as a style with a secondary modifier of Fusion, based only on images Vinci provided.

Voilà:

Oh good. I am now a person who calls themself “grounded” and “vibrant” but obsessively shops at World Market and, after a passing experience with Hinduism on a trip to India, has now incorporated that into decor.

What about applying my personalized “Design DNA” (“Vibrant Textural Oasis,” remember)? Here we go:

Great. My daughter is now a pillow.

I thought maybe we needed to go simpler. I asked Vinci to paint my walls blue. But apparently it “can’t change specific elements on its own.” Which felt confusing because in an image provided to BoH, it seemed as though Palazzo could make more subtle changes.

On we went with my final experiment: Modern + Contemporary.

Behold:

O god. Our craftsman living room now resembles a suite one can book with Marriott Bonvoy, and a fire in Eleanor’s tent is threatening to destroy our home.

But more disturbingly: Eleanor’s legs are now a giant, lime-green butt plug. This will make her life very difficult. And here is why my subconscious acronymization of AI makes sense.

It brings comfort to me knowing that AI in its “creative” forms still isn’t there yet. But according to the New York Times and NPR and all those news outlets that do a good job of intellectualizing your existential dread, that day is coming soon.

It does make me wonder…could an actually-good AI interiors tool lead to a new step in the democratization of design? Could it come up with a designer-worthy kitchen remodel idea that also plans, budgets, sources and orders your materials even down to vintage trinkets, and deals with all your flaky contractors? I love it already.