Fuck "Decorating for Fall"

Je cannot with all the pumpkin-shaped Le Creusets.

What is even happening here.

Yeah, ok, so it’s “fall” or whatever. But you’d never know it over here in Los Angeles where it is fucking eight billion degrees and all the sweaters I optimistically bought are staring at me from my closet going, “HEHEHEHE! I ate all your money!”

Do not let people/publications salivating at an uptick in affiliate revenue trick you into thinking that your house “needs” an entirely new decorative scheme for fall. You do not need a collection of acorn-themed pillows to adorn your couch for mere weeks before you stuff them back into a closet. And don’t be fooled by Crate & Barrel selling you whatever “classy” Halloween essentials they are pedaling this year because sure, they are clever or whatever but you need to buy the whole freaking collection to make it look like anything and we are not all Marthas, okay?? And yes, EyeSwoon, your curation of “chic” Halloween decor is really fucking beautiful (respect and bless you) but I, a poor, just cannot justify spending $850 on “Old Silver Plated Ice Bucket Ca.1900” on 1stdibs.

It’s a word cloud

I’m not dissing on things from nature like actual pumpkins and gourds and stuff — once upon a time, I lived in a land called Massachusetts, which is officially the most fall state, and all of the hay and ears of corn is super lovely. What I just don’t get is all the fall-specific tchotchkes. Don’t let, like, Target….::brutally command Ts to open a new tab to browse Target’s surely laughable fall decorati—ooh, wait, John Derian for Target?::

Whatever.

Here’s the thing. I just didn’t grow up with any of the fabric pumpkins or happy scarecrows or ceramic objects of an autumnal nature. And what I’m about to say is founded in zero scientific research and sure to piss some people off, but I’m just going to put it out there: Decorating for fall is exclusively non-Jewish. (If the New York Times says it’s Christian Girl Autumn, then it is). And my theory is two-part:

1. Fall is really just pre-Christmas.

2. Fall is repenting season for the Jews. (Welcome to Yom Kippur, sinners!)

Do not.

There’s a lot of iconography and culture-specific things associated with the High Holidays that gets thrown in the way of pumpkin-shaped Le Creusets or “distressed” wood signs that says “fall.” (But also, like, duh?) And also, we’re supposed to be atoning because during this time, God is supposedly busy judging if your name will be inscribed in The Book of Life this year (sort of like getting on Santa’s “good” list).

Listen, I’m in no way suggesting that Jews have a superior decorating style; in fact, we are known for pushing some of the worst aesthetics out there.

A lot of our decor looks like this:

Or, perhaps you binged Netflix’s Nobody Wants This, and observed this Jewish home, which certainly has an interesting interpretation of “opulence”:

Although I just found this, and it’s doing a mindfuck on me. Like we’re in an alternate universe where Joanna Gaines is Jewish:

Anyhowwwwwww.

If, like me, you are more aligned with “Sexy Sukkot Season” and feel that pumpkin-shaped cheeseboards have no place in a home — but still feel like you need to do something to feel vaguely festive — here are my suggestions for things to buy in fall:

Some folksy bedding:

From Schoolhouse.

This Mrs. Meyers soap, which smells absolutely nothing like “fall” nor leaves. But it does smell fancy and expensive:

Pieces to assemble a fairy/gnome garden scene:

This one from Etsy.

And if you need a fall-ish aroma in your home but cannot with pumpkin spice, may I suggest this “Dappled Wood” Otherland candle with notes of sandalwood, toasted walnut, and sweet hay.

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Schmatta is written by Leonora Epstein, a former shelter pub editor-in-chief. Follow me on IG @_leonoraepstein. For consulting and collab requests, please visit my website to get in touch.