All the Men You Ever Dated, as Chairs

Your college boyfriend=Eames molded plastic chair?

When I was single, I think I held a world record for bad dates. There were three categories of disaster:

• First, the men who couldn’t hold a conversation and asked questions like, “What’s your favorite color?”; “Do you like music?”; “How much is your rent?”

• Second were the guys who seemed fine on paper, but then had that one weird thing I couldn’t get past: he hosted a Garfield fanfic podcast (the sexy kind), he had a Tony Robbins book on his nightstand, he wore Vibram FiveFingers.

• Then there were the guys who were just jerks, clearly pulling their dating tactics from a poisonous 2005 book called The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, which basically told men to insult women.

I’ve come to realize that these and other archetypal men we’ve all dated can be summed up in one piece of furniture — a chair. Let’s break it down. And yes, you do need to add your own in the comments.