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Do you know why Zillow is called Zillow? It’s a portmanteau of “zillion” and “pillow”: “zillion” for the enormous amount of real estate information on the platform, and “pillow” for a place to rest your head, something that evokes home. Make of that what you will.

(That’s a fairly random way into this post, but it came up in my research and I refuse to waste a perfectly good piece of Zillow trivia.)

Anyway, today’s post is about a much tinier piece of Zillow real estate: the little upper-left blurb agents get to put on a listing that appears in search results. Internally, Zillow calls it a “headline.”

Ostensibly, this is a realtor’s chance to stop a buyer mid-scroll. For the most part, agents stick to the standards:

• High ceilings

• New roof

• Wood-burning fireplace

• Modern updates

• Blah blah blah

Interestingly, Zillow has a guide for writing successful descriptions that include words statistically proven to add value including:

Captivating: Homes with a median estimated value in the top third of the market sold for 6.5% more than their expected price when listings included this word.

Other words found to add value: Stainless (appliances), granite, basketball (hoop or court), landscaped, pergola, remodel, tile, upgraded and updated, impeccable and beautiful.

— Zillow Real Estate Description Guide

But when it comes to that little “headline,” sometimes realtors use this space to editorialize and “get creative,” and I love to see it. There’s two categories of amusement: 1) the realtors who are straight-up lying and 2) people who are really trying to sell it. I’ve collected a bunch that caught my attention, taken from listings across the country and across budgets.

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“Sweet” side porch, dude.

Is a “whispering” tree scary or delightful?

“Commanding” presence. Ma’am, this is a Colonial mixed-use building.

Actually, sounds lovely.

It might impregnate you.

FYI, literally every room is just painted white.

I would say “low-maintenance” is the key word here.

Tim Walz would be proud.

Sure, why not.

You never see a picture of it.

Mmmmmmm….

I appreciate this.

You can only ever have it in one place forever.

Is this gonna be good or bad for my hair?

But how does one define “modern”? Not iceboxian?

::Does a Sign of the Cross:: / :: Says the Shema::

Ohhhh the pain!!!

Negotiable = what are we asking for exactly? Why do I feel like it’s a sex cult?

So is it a gateway to another world or what.

Let’s go on and DIEEEEEE!!!

Honestly, I thought this meant a pool full of Pellegrino (amazing) but in Texas, it just means a clean pool.

Former. As in…it was once woke and no longer?

Honestly, can a Rocco sell it for you?

Might wanna rethink this one.

LOVE. IT.

For $1 million, I’d hope it isn’t a very nice pond but the BEST pond.

Great news, y’all. Noihsaf Bazaar is going to give one of you $200 to spend on whatever you please. Read on to find out entry rules.

If you’re unfamiliar: Noihsaf (“fashion” backwards) is one of my favorite resale marketplaces for clothing (contemporary and vintage) and homegoods. It’s curated, and features lots of great independent brands.

My picks for clothing/accessories:

• Clare V Crossbody Bag (New), $295

• Ace & Jig Anchor Tee, $70

• Caron Callahan Jumpsuit, $85

• Catcher in the Rye Book Clutch, $150

• Marimekko Tee Dress, $125

• Caron Callahan Blue Plaid Dress (New), $185

• No. 6 Silver Leather Clogs, $115

• Caron Callahan Drawstring Jeans, $109

My picks for home/decor:

• Grigory Gluckmann Art Book, $70

• Ceramic Vase With Lava Glaze, $48

• David Tisdale Aluminum Spice Shakers, $58

• Framed Sketch of Hong Kong Harbor, $38

• Square Brutalist Glass Sconce, $250

• Vintage Tiffin Vase, $50

• Wedgwood Pot, $55

ENTRY RULES TO WIN A $200 NOIHSAF GIFT CARD:

• You must be a paid subscriber to enter. If you are already paid subscriber, great! You are automatically entered.

• If you aren’t a paid subscriber, you can sign up here. Paid subs get full access to my Ultimate Home Shopping Guides, which are updated regularly.

• I’ll pick a winner at random on September 10, 2026.

• You must be a U.S. resident to win.

For everyone: Use code LEONORA10 at checkout for 10% off anything at Noihsaf Bazaar.

Best of luck!

xxoo,

Leo

Here we are, folks! Another run of Good Schmutz, my roundup of design things I think are cool/beautiful/at least worth knowing about. Shall we get started?

#1: Lovely new wallpaper source alert: CommonRoom. UK-based, delivers to the States, inspired by William Morris, but far more modern/playful.

#2: Shameless plug, but FYI if you haven’t heard, I’ve spent hours creating specific shopping guides. Bookmark them anytime you’re searching…but don’t want to (Google) search.

#3: New addition to my tile guide: Tilecito. (Female-founded biz!) And specifically their tile shelves. Great for a kids’ bath! Great for your bath! Great for any wall at all!

#4: My friend, the lovely Lazy Jamie (who is not at all lazy) just launched her new “ladies who lunch serving set.” A reasonable $82 for making your salad look like a work of art. cc:

#5: Trending this month on IG: Dabito’s New Orleans kitchen. I’m very into this post where he breaks down the entire cost of the reno. I also appreciate him breaking out the gifted/sponsored costs which so many decorator-influencers just pretend doesn’t exist.

#6: Two interesting design fair updates. Alcova is coming to Mexico City for the city’s 2027 Art Week. And Morocco is launching a two-day design event in Casablanca this fall. PRs: Send me to either/both!

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It has been months, nay, a year, since I realized that I needed to do something about my shopping guides. We all need a place that has a ton of resources so we’re not just blindly Googling “couch,” and hoping the G-box brings us the right one. Back in ye olde days of the Web 1.0, I used to bookmark ’s shopping list page; anytime I wa…

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Welcome to Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guide. It’s your resource to everything you could ever need for your home. Click on a section for each specific guide.

FURNITURE/DECOR

• Click here

TABLEWARE, GLASSWARE, PLATES, TABLE LINENS

• Click here

PAINT, FABRIC & WALLPAPER

• Click here

RUGS

• Click here

LIGHTING

• Click here

TILE & FLOORING

• Click here

KIDS

• Click here

TOWELS & SHOWER CURTAINS

• Click here

SHEETS & BLANKETS

• Click here

BATHROOM & PLUMBING FIXTURES

• Click here

HARDWARE

• Click here

VINTAGE

• Click here

VINYL STORAGE

• Click here

CABINETRY

• Click here

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Schmatta is written by Leonora Epstein, a former shelter pub editor-in-chief. Follow at @_leonoraepstein and/or @schmattamag. For consulting and collab requests, please visit my website.

This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

Caveat for this page: I can’t claim that these are all put in the perfect category; there’s overlap, etc. But I did my best to bucket things.

MASS

• Blu Dot

• Eq3

• Schoolhouse

• Ferm Living

• DWR

• Arhaus

• Sundays

• Industry West

• Lulu a…

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

• Reform

• Very Simple: Kitchen

• deVOL

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

FURNITURE

• Oeuf

• House of RoRo

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

• 1stdibs

• Formas

• Live Auctioneers

• Rarify

• Vinterior

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

TILE

• Fireclay Tile

• Popham Design

• Clé

• Tiles of Ezra

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

• Morrow Soft Goods

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

THE “BIG” SITES

• Lightology

• Lumens

• Rejuvenation

• Schoolhouse

“FANCY”/INDEPENDENT/ICONIC/DESIGNER

• Ladies & Gentlemen

• In Common With

• Flos

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

• Ellis Works

• Petra

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

PAINT

• Clare

• Farrow & Ball

• Alkemis

• Portola

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

GLASSWARE

• Sophie Lou Jacobsen

• Maison Balzac

• Upstate

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This is part of Schmatta’s Ultimate Home Shopping Guides. Be sure to check them all out here. For more shopping recs, check out my ShopMy page.

Updated Aug. 2026.

• Inbani

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I first became aware of Anna Dawson’s work when I visited the Upper East Side outpost of Big Night. Hanging above a dining table was this glowing red orb, almost alien-like in presence. , Big Night’s owner, was in the shop that day and she told me who made the light — Anna Dawson.

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Let’s get straight to it. We recently went over kind-of affordable dining chair sets. To recap: Dining chairs are so annoying because you have to buy so many of them. So no matter how cheap your dining chairs are — it’s still a lot of money. In part 1, I found you options from Zara Home, IKEA, and HAY, as well as options by Scandinavian and independent makers.

But, honestly, you’re probably better off (financially) buying a vintage set — you just have to look at where the vendor is. Buying from Europe means larger shipping costs.

So, here we go…

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I had promised you a part 2 to the dining chairs guide, but I gotta say — I’m just not up for it.

This week, some insane stuff went down in my life that honestly turned my world upside down. I’m in a state of shock. I have no words.

It’s one more thing to add onto my pile of anxiety and uncertainty, which has been steadily mounting over the past tw…

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I find dining chairs to be some of the most infuriating decor. The right combo of table and amazing dining chairs makes you look like a decorating genius. But you have to buy so many! So expensivo! ARRRRRGGGG!

As for moi, I have IKEA chairs similar to this, but in red. Nothing fancy but they make a nice statement. And we have had them for 10 years! And this was before everyone was talking about the pop of red theory.

<<Want more Schmatta shopping guides? Here ya go!>>

So I’ve picked out some chairs for you and I’m listing them by individual price and as a set of 6. I mean, if you have more than 4 friends, more power to you. I’m trying to stay under $500 per chair, which honestly — is difficult and still nuts! But let’s just assume you’re ready to actually buy a set and you know it’s going to cost something. Also, FYI: I hate heavily upholstered dining chairs. Or dining chairs that look like armchairs.

Just so you know, my dream dining chairs are Vico Magistretti Carimate chairs —4 without arms, and 2 with arms at the heads of the table. Which brings me to my final point — next week will be a part 2, focusing on vintage dining chairs.

Allons-y!

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